My heart is twisting!

O.K Moms out there, I need some help and perspective. Here is my problem. Emma is doing softball this spring, I have told many of you about this already. She was put on a team of all third grade girls (this level is all second and third grade). These girls were together last season and two of the Moms are the coaches. They are excellent coaches and the girls are all nice but many of them are really close with each other because they go to school together or were already friends before. Emma is sort of odd man out. She is really enjoying herself but I know she is feeling a bit left out. Tonight after her game she came home and wants to make cards for all the girls on her team. When I suggested she make them and give them out at the end of the season, kind of a celebration thing she totally teared up and said that she wants to give them out at tomorrows game. I asked her if she is not feeling part of the group and is making the cards to try to make friends she tearfully nodded. My heart broke. I see myself in her so much! I feel that pain of being left out, of wanting to do something to fit in and make people like me. My first instinct is to convince her not to make them. What if they think its a dumb idea? What if they don't appreciate the sentiment and just hurt her feelings? Do third grade girls like getting cards? I can't stand to have her hurt. And I hate that I can't quite see past my own little girl hurts too have a good perspective on this.
I walked out of the room after telling her that we would talk about it later and I prayed.....
Then just now I am reminded of two things. First, I heard a Mom once say that her greatest goal for her children was to glorify the Lord. That is what I want for my kids too. Also, any act of love, whether received by the person it is given to or not, is received by the Lord. He never lets an act of love fall.
So, as much as it makes me nervous, as much as it actually makes me want to bawl, I must allow her to put herself out there. Because I don't want to squash this loving instinct in her. Hopefully the girls receiving the cards won't squash it either. But if they do both me and the Lord are here to help her through it.
Man, growing up is tough!

One word can really say it all

So, yesterday wasn't the best day for me. It had a lot of promise but just went wrong somewhere. I dropped the kids off at school and hauled my very heavy old computer (in a pink polka dot reusable shopping bag no less) along with myself and my sleek new laptop to the apple store at Bridgeport for my first one on one tutoring session with one of their capable employees. Casey (the capable employee) took one look at my polka dot bag full of old computer and said "you do know that although transferring your files is a free service we won't be doing it during our session, you will have to leave both computers here for a few days" This presented a problem see because I needed my computer at home yesterday afternoon so that Dick from Primisys could come fix my internet service. It had been down since Friday afternoon and I was assured by my phone company that the problem was at my end. So I absorbed all the knowledge that I could in 50 minutes from this young man and lugged my computers and myself home to wait for the internet calvary to arrive. At 1:00 there was a knock on my door and in comes Dick. He began to do his thing and we soon realized that a phone call to the phone company was in order. Turns out it was really theit fault all along. This would be the third time in a month that my service has been down. Even though he didn't actually fix anything Dick has to earn a living so I wrote a check and my blood pressure went up.
Then, I received a call from Emma's new softball coach, who had the wrong number all this time and who I despaired ever hearing from. Turns out she has only missed one practice and the coach sounds so nice. Emma will be the only second grader in a group of third grade girls. Blood pressure is now accompanied by worry for my little girl being in over her head. Then she lets me know that she will have practice and games at least three times a week. Add that to Kaden's T-ball which is on a different night and Blood pressure and worry is now joined by their good pal panic. How am I going to manage my life and homework and dinner and everything else with three weeknights and one weekend day taken up?
Then panic decided to stand up and take center stage as my husband informed me that a student at the school where he works is being tested for Swine flu.
Add all that to my first semester as a student teaching supervisor coming to a close and all the work that goes with that, a hubby that is still only home part of the time, and four credits worth of PSU classes and you can probably picture what I looked like last night as I went to my room after putting the kids to bed.
I physically fell onto my bed and spiritually fell into the hands of my Abba. My spirit looked up at him as if to say "can you believe all this?"
And one word came to me. "Decadence". What?? What did that mean? It didn't take me long to start pondering . . .
It is decadence that I own a computer. Furthermore that I have a house in which to operate it, electricity to power it and friends to connect with through it.
It is decadence that I have two healthy children that can play softball and T ball. Furthermore that I live in a place that offers them opportunity, and that I can afford the registration.
It is decadence that I have a husband that has a workplace to go to. Furthermore that he has found something that brings him great joy and that the joy rubs off on me.
All of it, the source of every one of my issues yesterday, stemmed from a place of decadence. From a full life of blessing.
Now, lest you think it was a scolding I heard from the Lord, let me set you straight. It was a gently, loving reminder of all of the things He has provided me that I really don't deserve. It was an urging to enjoy what I have and see Him in all things. It was also a glorious lesson that gratitude and self pity cannot coexist.
I slept well last night, bidding worry and panic good night, thus putting blood pressure back into check. I fell asleep on the couch (on purpose) watching a show I taped earlier in the day on PBS. One of my favorite painters lulled me to sleep teaching me to paint a Tuscan sky. Now that is decadence!

Back to Blogging

O.K. I have been gone awhile. I have had a very frustrating last month or so with the computer set up at my house. I got a new Macbook and couldn't use it for internet stuff for awhile. Patience is not my strongest character trait. But, I am developing it. Along with so many other things that I am lacking.
The orignal purpose of this blog was not necessarily to post updates on my kids and life, although they are such a big part of me that those updates are inevitable. The original purpose was to have a place to share my thoughts and struggles on being a grateful disciple. Because you see, that is what I am. I am so thankful to have the Lord in my life, waking up with me everyday, never letting me down, loving me right where I am at for exactly who I am. He is ever so patient with the things that I cling to in order to make life easier and less messy. He is hopeful that I will change even when I am not. He is the place that I come to at the end of the day to recline, cry, complain, celebrate and plan. His energy for me is endless and I am just starting to understand that His love for me is too. What a liberating thing for me.
So, hopefully with a new computer that I love to have any excuse to use, I will be better. Because there are some things that I really want you to know about me and my journey. I want you to know that you are not alone in your Mommyhood, or wifehood, or womanhood. Life can be very isolating can't it? Let's connect.

Giving homage where homage is due

Wow, a month since my last post. I need to do better! O.k. now on to the reason for this post. One of my first blog posts was about my brother Spencer and his last college soccer game as a player (he is now a coach!) I was all swelled with pride, you can tell by how mushy I got about him. Well, this weekend my pride levels soared again as I watched my other brother Casey compete in his first college track meet. Casey is a sprinter and I never realized how fun it is to watch someone run fast. And he is fast. He would shake his head and deny this, citing times that were not satisfactory to his high standards for himself but to this big sister he looked like he was flying! What made it even better was being able to cheer him on alongside his other big sister Bree. We may have been the only ones yelling but he heard us. I know that he will get even faster too because that is who Casey is. Incredibly hard working, focused, and if I was being honest there are a few times that I stand in a bit of awe, even though I am 15 years older than him (please don't do the math). As Bree and I watched him warm up we both marveled at this finely tuned machine that has replaced the little boy that he seems to eternally be in my mind. Little brothers aren't ever suppose to grow up, are they?
So here is to the start of another college athletic career that will make me proud and most likely more than once make me cry.

The delicious unexplained

You know how there are certain things in life (specifically food life) that defy logic? Like hot dogs that taste one way at home and transcend into a culinary delight when eaten at a ballpark while watching a baseball game. Or how lemonade tastes better in the summer. Or how sun tea made in a jar beats brewing it any other way. Now, I know that there is probably a scientific explanation for all of these things if I really wanted to look into them. I don't. I want to wonder at the beauty of these experiences of the palate. The things I mentioned above are things that I learned long ago, truths that I have adopted that have stayed with me until adulthood. Tonight, much to my delight and utter amazement I found a new paradox. I made swedish meatballs. Now, in itself this is not illogical. It's meat, a gravy like sauce, and buttery noodles. Very normal, until . . . . Wait for it . . . you add grape jelly! I know that it is suppose to be red current jelly or lingonberry jelly but Winco didn't have those and Martha said it would be O.K. to substitute grape. I was sceptical at first that it was going to be a successful dish. I tasted the meatballs separately and the sauce separately. The noodles were nothing special either. Then, I dished it all up and put a beautiful, glittery, gelatenous blob of purple bliss on the side. I sat down, took the first bite of all the parts together and it transformed into something of brilliance in my mouth. I wish you all could have been there.
Now, Jarvis will be home from practice in a minute and I will heat up some meatballs for him. I doubt he will try the jelly and neither of my kids did either. So, since sharing my rapture with them would fall on deaf ears I decided to share it with my blogging family. Someone out there might have already had this experience of love at first bite and if you have then I want to hear about it! Those Swedes - first the delicious red fish and now the meatballs. I salute them!
P.S. if you haven't tried these meatballs and jelly and would like to, give me a call and I will have you over. We can enjoy them together!

I was tagged!

My friend Sherry tagged me to post the fourth picture in my fourth folder. Here it is. The bizarre thing about this is that as I was reading this challenge from my friend on her blog Kaden came and asked if I would get down the Disneyland album so he could look at the pictures. He has never done that before! Isn't that just wierd? Anyway, this picture makes me long for summer and excited to go back to Disneyland (someday). I hope it inspires those of you that are going over spring break (you know who you are) and gets you excited all over again. Now I tag Leslie, Stef, and Tara!

Possibilities!

Happy New Year! And let me send out a "Happy School-being-back-in-session" to all of my fellow Mom's who might have gotten to enjoy some time to themselves a bit today. I loved the time with my family these past few weeks but I am not nearly as stimulating to my kids as their friends and teachers. At least not after three weeks of being together 24/7. It might sound strange but absence makes the heart grow fonder and I love the fact that I had a chance to miss them a bit this morning. It made the anticipation of the bus coming much more fun!
Now, onto the reason for the title of this posting. Since we are finally back in routine around here I had the chance to ponder a bit on what the new year holds. It didn't take me long to realize that no one really knows! (Except Leslie and Amy do know that they will be having babies). The anticipation is delicious. The other night at Jarv's work party I was discussing the fact that being as tall as I am, I assumed at an early age that being a jockey or a gymnist was most likely out of my reach. However, there are many other things that I haven't tried that I might be great at! There is nothing to say that I couldn't be an olympic diver, if I just put my mind to it. Or that if I really tried I couldn't be a pulitzer prize winning novelist. This 2009 has that feel to me, full of possibilities. I might try a few new things. Then there are those things that I might like to keep on the shelf to tell myself "I'm sure I would be great at that, it's just that I haven't tried!" Here's to all those things that might happen this year - I can't wait to write about them, and read about them when you write about them!