My heart is twisting!

O.K Moms out there, I need some help and perspective. Here is my problem. Emma is doing softball this spring, I have told many of you about this already. She was put on a team of all third grade girls (this level is all second and third grade). These girls were together last season and two of the Moms are the coaches. They are excellent coaches and the girls are all nice but many of them are really close with each other because they go to school together or were already friends before. Emma is sort of odd man out. She is really enjoying herself but I know she is feeling a bit left out. Tonight after her game she came home and wants to make cards for all the girls on her team. When I suggested she make them and give them out at the end of the season, kind of a celebration thing she totally teared up and said that she wants to give them out at tomorrows game. I asked her if she is not feeling part of the group and is making the cards to try to make friends she tearfully nodded. My heart broke. I see myself in her so much! I feel that pain of being left out, of wanting to do something to fit in and make people like me. My first instinct is to convince her not to make them. What if they think its a dumb idea? What if they don't appreciate the sentiment and just hurt her feelings? Do third grade girls like getting cards? I can't stand to have her hurt. And I hate that I can't quite see past my own little girl hurts too have a good perspective on this.
I walked out of the room after telling her that we would talk about it later and I prayed.....
Then just now I am reminded of two things. First, I heard a Mom once say that her greatest goal for her children was to glorify the Lord. That is what I want for my kids too. Also, any act of love, whether received by the person it is given to or not, is received by the Lord. He never lets an act of love fall.
So, as much as it makes me nervous, as much as it actually makes me want to bawl, I must allow her to put herself out there. Because I don't want to squash this loving instinct in her. Hopefully the girls receiving the cards won't squash it either. But if they do both me and the Lord are here to help her through it.
Man, growing up is tough!

One word can really say it all

So, yesterday wasn't the best day for me. It had a lot of promise but just went wrong somewhere. I dropped the kids off at school and hauled my very heavy old computer (in a pink polka dot reusable shopping bag no less) along with myself and my sleek new laptop to the apple store at Bridgeport for my first one on one tutoring session with one of their capable employees. Casey (the capable employee) took one look at my polka dot bag full of old computer and said "you do know that although transferring your files is a free service we won't be doing it during our session, you will have to leave both computers here for a few days" This presented a problem see because I needed my computer at home yesterday afternoon so that Dick from Primisys could come fix my internet service. It had been down since Friday afternoon and I was assured by my phone company that the problem was at my end. So I absorbed all the knowledge that I could in 50 minutes from this young man and lugged my computers and myself home to wait for the internet calvary to arrive. At 1:00 there was a knock on my door and in comes Dick. He began to do his thing and we soon realized that a phone call to the phone company was in order. Turns out it was really theit fault all along. This would be the third time in a month that my service has been down. Even though he didn't actually fix anything Dick has to earn a living so I wrote a check and my blood pressure went up.
Then, I received a call from Emma's new softball coach, who had the wrong number all this time and who I despaired ever hearing from. Turns out she has only missed one practice and the coach sounds so nice. Emma will be the only second grader in a group of third grade girls. Blood pressure is now accompanied by worry for my little girl being in over her head. Then she lets me know that she will have practice and games at least three times a week. Add that to Kaden's T-ball which is on a different night and Blood pressure and worry is now joined by their good pal panic. How am I going to manage my life and homework and dinner and everything else with three weeknights and one weekend day taken up?
Then panic decided to stand up and take center stage as my husband informed me that a student at the school where he works is being tested for Swine flu.
Add all that to my first semester as a student teaching supervisor coming to a close and all the work that goes with that, a hubby that is still only home part of the time, and four credits worth of PSU classes and you can probably picture what I looked like last night as I went to my room after putting the kids to bed.
I physically fell onto my bed and spiritually fell into the hands of my Abba. My spirit looked up at him as if to say "can you believe all this?"
And one word came to me. "Decadence". What?? What did that mean? It didn't take me long to start pondering . . .
It is decadence that I own a computer. Furthermore that I have a house in which to operate it, electricity to power it and friends to connect with through it.
It is decadence that I have two healthy children that can play softball and T ball. Furthermore that I live in a place that offers them opportunity, and that I can afford the registration.
It is decadence that I have a husband that has a workplace to go to. Furthermore that he has found something that brings him great joy and that the joy rubs off on me.
All of it, the source of every one of my issues yesterday, stemmed from a place of decadence. From a full life of blessing.
Now, lest you think it was a scolding I heard from the Lord, let me set you straight. It was a gently, loving reminder of all of the things He has provided me that I really don't deserve. It was an urging to enjoy what I have and see Him in all things. It was also a glorious lesson that gratitude and self pity cannot coexist.
I slept well last night, bidding worry and panic good night, thus putting blood pressure back into check. I fell asleep on the couch (on purpose) watching a show I taped earlier in the day on PBS. One of my favorite painters lulled me to sleep teaching me to paint a Tuscan sky. Now that is decadence!