Saturday, June 27, 2009
I probably shouldn't operate heavy equipment
O.K. I just had to post this because I know there is someone out there who can relate. For some hormonal reason I am sure, my mood swings today have been nothing short of vast and varied! To give you some background, I spent the day yesterday at a "progressive memorial service" for my Mom's cousin Donna. She was more like an aunt to both my Mom and I and 12 weeks ago she was diagnosed with lung cancer. It took her quickly but peacefully. So we started at our family cemetery, which is beautiful, then headed to the Santiam golf course for a celebration of life that included over 300 people, then we ended the day back at Fritz and Donna's house where we served a meal for about 35 family and friends.During the course of the meal I got a text from a family member with some worrying health concerns, and I was already looking for updates on a family friend who had suffered a serious heart attack Thursday night. So I am already tired when I get up today to make a fruit salad and head over to the church for our women's breakfast. My mood was pretty gray until I arrived at the church and had a wonderful friend pray for me (thanks Candi), then my mood was bright and much more peaceful. Our speaker for the breakfast did such an amazing job that my mood shifted into immense gratitiude for God and His creation. Then I left the breakfast and by the time I had driven to Jo Dancer park for the last half of Emma's game my mood was irritated that I had to carry the chairs all by myself all the way to the field etc. It further chapped me that I was so hot. They won the game and that made my mood happy and proud. I got home and made lunch and sat down to watch tennis (which always makes me happy) but then I zoned out, remembered how tired I was and the concern over my family member's health and my mood quickly turned to self pity. All I wanted to do was cry and take a nap. That didn't last long though because we had to head to Kaden's last game of the season. During the game I didn't really pay attention to my mood, I was too distracted by how hot I was but also how cute those T-ballers were! So now I am home and trying to catch up on all my chores that have piled up the last few days (Jarv has kept the house up great, I just needed to organize my own stuff). As I was loading the dishwasher I was overcome with love for my family and really pride in my Mom. The last 12 weeks of Donna's life she made herself available for whatever needed to be done. She cooked, she cleaned, she sat and listened, she gave wise counsel, and she was presest for all until the very end and the first few days of Donna's absence. I want to be just like her when I grow up. So, now my mood is making me want to send her a card. It also is making me want to send all of you cards. I just love everyone! Isn't that a bizarre spectrum of emotions for one day? I am not pregnant and not yet menopausal or pre-menopausal. Tell me I am not alone. Does this happen to anyone else? I wish I could say it was the first time but it's not. Plus, I only hit the big emotions of the day, there were a hundred more subtle ones in between the big ones. Honestly, it's a good thing I am not making any major decisions today! And as the title suggests I probably shoudn't operate any heavy equipment . . . .
Sunday, June 7, 2009
In the shadow
Well, I am finally here, finally writing this blog post that has been on my mind for the past two weeks. I can't tell you how many blog posts I have composed in my head that never make it to the screen. I assumed that this one would be no different. Except it is, because God won't let it drop. He keeps bringing it up. Which means there is a reason that I am suppose to share it, no matter how vulnerable it makes me feel. I want to honor Him with it. Here goes . .
Sundays are hard for me. Or, this past year they have been hard. I don't have a reason for this, I just know that it has been a fairly consistent pattern. Maybe I am tired after a busy week and a late Saturday night, or maybe the devil just knows that Sundays are church and great worship and great teaching and he wants to distract me. Personally I think that is it. Last Sunday was one of those tough Sundays. I woke up with what just felt like a heavy heart. My emotions seemed to turn on me in my sleep and everything in the getting ready for church process felt like it took twice as much effort. Then, on the way to church something dreadfully familiar washed over me. Insecurities. Those old, unwanted companions that dog me and sit on my heart and spirit like a coating of nasty syrup. In getting out of the car the whispers that the enemy knows very well will defeat me actually made me walk slower. I walked into church, parting ways with my hubby so that he could check Kaden into class and I could do the same for Emma. I am walking by friendly faces, smiling and saying hello while inside I am slowly curling into the equivalent of the fetal position. None of this is taking me by surprise, I have been here before, on other Sundays, smiling and willing one foot in front of the other. I managed to check Emma in and I headed back downstairs. Alone for a moment my mind wanders back over my week. Conversations that I had or didn't have all show up to confirm and strangthen my misery. I am seeing everything through this filter that I have allowed the enemy to slip over my eyes. Actions of others and myself coming back distorted. I am flailing in my mind for something to grab onto to make me feel better. I am searching my mind for the faces of people that love me, people that could encourage me and pull me out of this stuff I seem to be sinking into. I come to the bottom of the stairs and see my husband. There is a glimmer of relief. He loves me, he knows me, he can help me and I can confide in him. We walk into church and sit down and that roaring lion that seeks to devour me reminds me that my husband has been here with me before, patiently listened while I have cried and expressed my sadness. My enemy tells me that Jarvis can't help me. He can't fix this. I am too needy. I will exasperate him and drive him nuts with all my ridiculous insecurity. He won't understand. One by one each of those that I love in my life, each blessed person that is in my heart come to my mind and have to be dismissed as the person that can weather the storm that is consuming me. I am too needy. My need is too great to burden another person. That is when a different voice breaks into my thoughts. "your need will never outweigh my love" It's my Jesus. My savior in so many more ways than just one. My heart recognizes the voice of comfort that has met me here before. And what I sense is such a relief. He can absorb what is threatening to consume me. Some of this stuff is so deep in me that I cannot even articulte it. And that deep in me is desperately calling to the deep of God. His deep is much deeper than mine. It's deep enough to swallow up my deep need.
What my insecurities are really don't matter, because they all have the same source as yours. God is getting to the source and dealing with the issue there.
I don't know why He wanted me to share this. I certainly want to give Him thanks and honor for inserting His love into my desperation. But I get the sense that the details of His plan for my healing really is between Him and I. So, why share? My guess is that I am not the only one that has ever found herself smiling on the outside while she is drowning on the inside. I cannot be alone in feeling that desperations that comes from battling an emotional enemy. That same enemy that seems to completely soak into my reality and twist my views of my friendships, my marriage and my parenting.
Psalm 91:1 says "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty"
1 Peter 5:7 says "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you"
If I am not the only one facing the giant of insecurity then I am also not the only one that God is inviting to rest in His shadow after casting all my anxieties on Him. He's inviting you to do that too. He can absorb it, He can heal it, He can speak into it, over it and through it. And best of all, He can give you the power to stand up to that enemy that is trying to convince you that you are too needy. My Almighty has a shadow that eclipses the shadow that my need casts.
I have not arrived. I still struggle. But I am not doubting that God is big enough, or that He wants nothing more that my freedom from what seems to grip me on Sundays. Man, He loves me! You too! Cast those anxieties in His direction and join me here in His shadow. It's time for some rest.
Sundays are hard for me. Or, this past year they have been hard. I don't have a reason for this, I just know that it has been a fairly consistent pattern. Maybe I am tired after a busy week and a late Saturday night, or maybe the devil just knows that Sundays are church and great worship and great teaching and he wants to distract me. Personally I think that is it. Last Sunday was one of those tough Sundays. I woke up with what just felt like a heavy heart. My emotions seemed to turn on me in my sleep and everything in the getting ready for church process felt like it took twice as much effort. Then, on the way to church something dreadfully familiar washed over me. Insecurities. Those old, unwanted companions that dog me and sit on my heart and spirit like a coating of nasty syrup. In getting out of the car the whispers that the enemy knows very well will defeat me actually made me walk slower. I walked into church, parting ways with my hubby so that he could check Kaden into class and I could do the same for Emma. I am walking by friendly faces, smiling and saying hello while inside I am slowly curling into the equivalent of the fetal position. None of this is taking me by surprise, I have been here before, on other Sundays, smiling and willing one foot in front of the other. I managed to check Emma in and I headed back downstairs. Alone for a moment my mind wanders back over my week. Conversations that I had or didn't have all show up to confirm and strangthen my misery. I am seeing everything through this filter that I have allowed the enemy to slip over my eyes. Actions of others and myself coming back distorted. I am flailing in my mind for something to grab onto to make me feel better. I am searching my mind for the faces of people that love me, people that could encourage me and pull me out of this stuff I seem to be sinking into. I come to the bottom of the stairs and see my husband. There is a glimmer of relief. He loves me, he knows me, he can help me and I can confide in him. We walk into church and sit down and that roaring lion that seeks to devour me reminds me that my husband has been here with me before, patiently listened while I have cried and expressed my sadness. My enemy tells me that Jarvis can't help me. He can't fix this. I am too needy. I will exasperate him and drive him nuts with all my ridiculous insecurity. He won't understand. One by one each of those that I love in my life, each blessed person that is in my heart come to my mind and have to be dismissed as the person that can weather the storm that is consuming me. I am too needy. My need is too great to burden another person. That is when a different voice breaks into my thoughts. "your need will never outweigh my love" It's my Jesus. My savior in so many more ways than just one. My heart recognizes the voice of comfort that has met me here before. And what I sense is such a relief. He can absorb what is threatening to consume me. Some of this stuff is so deep in me that I cannot even articulte it. And that deep in me is desperately calling to the deep of God. His deep is much deeper than mine. It's deep enough to swallow up my deep need.
What my insecurities are really don't matter, because they all have the same source as yours. God is getting to the source and dealing with the issue there.
I don't know why He wanted me to share this. I certainly want to give Him thanks and honor for inserting His love into my desperation. But I get the sense that the details of His plan for my healing really is between Him and I. So, why share? My guess is that I am not the only one that has ever found herself smiling on the outside while she is drowning on the inside. I cannot be alone in feeling that desperations that comes from battling an emotional enemy. That same enemy that seems to completely soak into my reality and twist my views of my friendships, my marriage and my parenting.
Psalm 91:1 says "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty"
1 Peter 5:7 says "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you"
If I am not the only one facing the giant of insecurity then I am also not the only one that God is inviting to rest in His shadow after casting all my anxieties on Him. He's inviting you to do that too. He can absorb it, He can heal it, He can speak into it, over it and through it. And best of all, He can give you the power to stand up to that enemy that is trying to convince you that you are too needy. My Almighty has a shadow that eclipses the shadow that my need casts.
I have not arrived. I still struggle. But I am not doubting that God is big enough, or that He wants nothing more that my freedom from what seems to grip me on Sundays. Man, He loves me! You too! Cast those anxieties in His direction and join me here in His shadow. It's time for some rest.
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