In the shadow

Well, I am finally here, finally writing this blog post that has been on my mind for the past two weeks. I can't tell you how many blog posts I have composed in my head that never make it to the screen. I assumed that this one would be no different. Except it is, because God won't let it drop. He keeps bringing it up. Which means there is a reason that I am suppose to share it, no matter how vulnerable it makes me feel. I want to honor Him with it. Here goes . .
Sundays are hard for me. Or, this past year they have been hard. I don't have a reason for this, I just know that it has been a fairly consistent pattern. Maybe I am tired after a busy week and a late Saturday night, or maybe the devil just knows that Sundays are church and great worship and great teaching and he wants to distract me. Personally I think that is it. Last Sunday was one of those tough Sundays. I woke up with what just felt like a heavy heart. My emotions seemed to turn on me in my sleep and everything in the getting ready for church process felt like it took twice as much effort. Then, on the way to church something dreadfully familiar washed over me. Insecurities. Those old, unwanted companions that dog me and sit on my heart and spirit like a coating of nasty syrup. In getting out of the car the whispers that the enemy knows very well will defeat me actually made me walk slower. I walked into church, parting ways with my hubby so that he could check Kaden into class and I could do the same for Emma. I am walking by friendly faces, smiling and saying hello while inside I am slowly curling into the equivalent of the fetal position. None of this is taking me by surprise, I have been here before, on other Sundays, smiling and willing one foot in front of the other. I managed to check Emma in and I headed back downstairs. Alone for a moment my mind wanders back over my week. Conversations that I had or didn't have all show up to confirm and strangthen my misery. I am seeing everything through this filter that I have allowed the enemy to slip over my eyes. Actions of others and myself coming back distorted. I am flailing in my mind for something to grab onto to make me feel better. I am searching my mind for the faces of people that love me, people that could encourage me and pull me out of this stuff I seem to be sinking into. I come to the bottom of the stairs and see my husband. There is a glimmer of relief. He loves me, he knows me, he can help me and I can confide in him. We walk into church and sit down and that roaring lion that seeks to devour me reminds me that my husband has been here with me before, patiently listened while I have cried and expressed my sadness. My enemy tells me that Jarvis can't help me. He can't fix this. I am too needy. I will exasperate him and drive him nuts with all my ridiculous insecurity. He won't understand. One by one each of those that I love in my life, each blessed person that is in my heart come to my mind and have to be dismissed as the person that can weather the storm that is consuming me. I am too needy. My need is too great to burden another person. That is when a different voice breaks into my thoughts. "your need will never outweigh my love" It's my Jesus. My savior in so many more ways than just one. My heart recognizes the voice of comfort that has met me here before. And what I sense is such a relief. He can absorb what is threatening to consume me. Some of this stuff is so deep in me that I cannot even articulte it. And that deep in me is desperately calling to the deep of God. His deep is much deeper than mine. It's deep enough to swallow up my deep need.
What my insecurities are really don't matter, because they all have the same source as yours. God is getting to the source and dealing with the issue there.
I don't know why He wanted me to share this. I certainly want to give Him thanks and honor for inserting His love into my desperation. But I get the sense that the details of His plan for my healing really is between Him and I. So, why share? My guess is that I am not the only one that has ever found herself smiling on the outside while she is drowning on the inside. I cannot be alone in feeling that desperations that comes from battling an emotional enemy. That same enemy that seems to completely soak into my reality and twist my views of my friendships, my marriage and my parenting.
Psalm 91:1 says "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty"
1 Peter 5:7 says "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you"
If I am not the only one facing the giant of insecurity then I am also not the only one that God is inviting to rest in His shadow after casting all my anxieties on Him. He's inviting you to do that too. He can absorb it, He can heal it, He can speak into it, over it and through it. And best of all, He can give you the power to stand up to that enemy that is trying to convince you that you are too needy. My Almighty has a shadow that eclipses the shadow that my need casts.
I have not arrived. I still struggle. But I am not doubting that God is big enough, or that He wants nothing more that my freedom from what seems to grip me on Sundays. Man, He loves me! You too! Cast those anxieties in His direction and join me here in His shadow. It's time for some rest.